Starting the New Year With Fireworks and Funnies

Let’s start the New Year with LAUGHTER. Keep ‘em coming all day long!

41 Responses to Starting the New Year With Fireworks and Funnies

  1. Bijou says:

    Happy, Healthy New Year, Honeys!!! It’s going to be a GOOD ONE!

    This is an email that’s been viral for awhile, but it’s good for a chuckle.

    The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

    I ordered a burger at McDonald’s, and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

    CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

    If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .

    Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

    McDonald’s is selling the 1 /4 ‘ouncer’.

    Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children’s names.

    A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

    Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

    The Mafia is laying off judges.

    And, finally…

    I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, our shrinking 401k Plans and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Life line and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

  2. yomotley says:

    This is Open Funny Forum…..only I will need someone to start the ball rolling — can’t get youtube up! What timing!

    • Pat P says:

      This is funny, but so close to reality that it is sad too. A woman in my office commented one day that it takes two incomes to support a family these days. I pointed out that today we spend money on things that our parents didn’t, so our costs are greater. I mentioned the big house, two cars, two or three televisions, air conditioning, vacation cottage, boat, and other gadgets. She thought about it for a while, and sort of agreed with me.

      The problem is that the American Dream requires more money. We want everything, and have to pay for it.

  3. Pat P says:

    This isn’t funny, but appropriate for the New Year, I think:

    Billy Graham is now 91-years-old with Parkinson’s disease. In January 2000, leaders in Charlotte , North Carolina , invited their favorite son, Billy Graham, to a luncheon in his honor.

    Billy initially hesitated to accept the invitation because he struggles

    with Parkinson’s disease. But the Charlotte leaders said, ‘We don’t expect a major address. Just come and let us honor you.’ So he agreed.

    After wonderful things were said about him, Dr. Graham stepped

    to the rostrum, looked at the crowd, and said, “I’m reminded today of Albert Einstein, the great physicist who this month has been honored

    by Time magazine as the Man of the Century.

    Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn’t find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn’t there. He looked in his briefcase but couldn’t find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn’t find it.

    “The conductor said, ‘Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I’m sure you bought a ticket. Don’t worry about it.” Einstein nodded appreciatively.

    The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket. “The conductor rushed back and said, ‘Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don’t worry, I know who you are; no problem. You don’t need a ticket. I’m sure you bought one.”

    Einstein looked at him and said, ‘Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don’t know is where I’m going.”

    Having said that Billy Graham continued, “See the suit I’m wearing? It’s a brand new suit. My children, and my grandchildren are telling me I’ve gotten a little slovenly in my old age. I used to be a bit more

    fastidious. So I went out and bought a new suit for this luncheon and one more occasion. You know what that occasion is? This is the suit in which I’ll be buried. But when you hear I’m dead, I don’t want

    you to immediately remember the suit I’m wearing. I want you to remember this: I not only know who I am. I also know where I’m going.”

    ———————————————————————————–

    Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil – it has no point.”

    • Pat P says:

      P.S.: I don’t know if this story is true, but I like it anyway.

      • emmajeri1010 says:

        I think what you’ve shared true….and I know the following one is, because I remember seeing Dr. Graham preaching at some big-time politician’s “laying out” (because he was dead~~sorry for that blunt clarification) in the Capitol Rotunda. Dr. Graham looked around at all the Supreme Court justices, Representatives, Senators and high mucky mucks (with some of their family alongside) and simply opened by saying, “I don’t have power in the government. But there is something every one in this room has in common. We are all going to end up like he is. Dead.” Good attention getter for what he would say next. Gotta love Dr. Billy Graham. I would imagine he will be gone before too long…..and it’s gonna be popcorn time as, once again, the left and the media will analyze his life and try to act like they care.

  4. sundancecracker says:

    A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats.

    It’s doing well. He says “prophets are going through the roof”!

  5. violet says:

    Bill Cosby has a little trouble understanding Southern:

  6. violet says:

    Two middle-aged couples were having lunch together when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

    “It was great,” Fred replied. “They taught us all kinds of great techniques, like visualization and association and so on. It really works. I haven’t had a problem since.”

    “Sounds like something I could use. What was the name of the clinic?”

    Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember.

    Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long thorny stem?”

    “You mean a rose?”

    “Yes, that’s it!”

    Fred turned to his wife and said, “Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?”

  7. Thomas Hooker says:

    Speaking of fireworks…

    One of my favorite books growing up was Eight Cousins. In one scene, Uncle has commissioned special fireworks for Rose – a rose surrounded by seven thistles. Has anyone ever seen shaped fireworks rather than the starbursts we usually see?

  8. RedGrandma says:

    A man goes to the family Dr. and tells him, “Doc, I’m worried about my wife’s hearing. It is getting so bad she doesn’t hear anything I say.” The Dr. said he will try to help but that he needs to let him know exactly how bad it is — so he gives him instructions to put it to a test.

    The man goes home and steps in the front door and yells out, “Honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?” Hearing no reply he moves into the living room and repeats, “Honey I’m home what’s for dinner?” Again he gets no response.

    Finally he walks into the kitchen and says directly into her ear, “Honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”

    His wife says, “For the third time, chicken.”

    This story is dedicated to my husband who wonders why I’m always shouting at him.

  9. llauren11 says:

    i dont have any jokes, but would like to wish all a happy new year!

    ..and may we see in the coming year a reversal of most of bambos edicts!

  10. Bijou says:

    A Lesson in English Grammar

    On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

    The certificate paid for a visit to a Cherokee medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

    After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ’1-2-3.’ When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”

    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

    “Your partner must say ’1-2-3-4,’” the medicine man responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

    He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

    When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!”

    Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

    His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

  11. violet says:

    A couple of guys demonstrate how to have a good time using stuff you probably have lying around the house (and if you can watch this without smiling, there is NO HOPE for you):

  12. Kristi says:

    Every home needs Harvey!

    • Pat P says:

      If only I had known about Harvey when I adopted the useless (though adorable) pup I have now!

      • violet says:

        Another story about a dog with special talents (author unknown):

        A dog was trotting along a sidewalk when he saw a sign in a window that said “Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual.”

        The door was slightly ajar, so the dog pushed it open and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign and touched it with his paw.

        The receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog. “I can’t hire you,” he said. “The sign says you have to be able to type.”

        Immediately the dog went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him.

        The manager was impressed, but he told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

        The dog went to the computer and proceeded to enter and execute a program that worked flawlessly the first time.

        The manager was amazed, but he said to the dog, “I’m sorry, I can’t give you the job. The sign says you have to be bilingual.”

        The dog looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”

  13. DeniseVB says:

    Can’t welcome the New Year without laughing out the old one….JIB JAB !

  14. Moe says:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQoaTrQEvos

    Glenn Beck’s Happy Days are Here Again segment on November 3, we did it! This will have you laughing and so very happy.

  15. violet says:

    I don’t know who wrote this one. It falls into the category of “almost too true to be funny.”

    California schools are finally starting to teach practical math skills that students can use in real-life situations:

    1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive-by before he gotta reload?

    2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit?

    3. Dwayne pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne’s $800/day crack habit?

    4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

    5. Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4′s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10K for his brother’s bail?

    6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

    7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. cans of spray paint?

    8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. They be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?

    9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also got a boa constrictor that eat 5 rats a week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week’s income?

    10. Marvin steals Juan’s skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he get whacked?

  16. Bijou says:

    A guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken under his arm, and asks for 2 tickets.

    The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.

    He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!”

    The girl tells him that he CAN’T take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken into his trousers, and returns. He buys his ticket and goes in.

    Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his fly so the chicken can stick its head out – get some air and watch the movie.

    Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, “Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!”

    Myrtle whispers back, “Oh, don’t worry about it…..you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

    Agnes says, “I KNOW……but this one’s eating my POPCORN!”

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