Reviewing a Year of ‘Friends’ Emails – Tuesday Open Forum 12/14/10
For those of you who suffer from excessive email contacts or IBI (In-Box inundation) you’ll understand how important it is to appropriately thank all these “concerned friends”. As 2010 nears the end, we should thank everyone for their educational e-mails over the past year. I am now, in no small measure, totally paranoid, feeling completely messed up, essentially neurotic, and have little chance of recovery. Thanks again for all your support:
I no longer open a bathroom door without using my foot or a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water because I don’t trust that she uses her foot in the bathroom.
I can’t even consider sitting down on a hotel bedspread because I’m imagining what sort of peep show booth floor would be revealed to me under a black light.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because I now know the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because now I use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every pop can I open because thankfully you informed me that rats shit, pee, and even fornicate on them in the pop can warehouses.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick kid in England who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail tracking program.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because there is now a distinct possibility I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their previously unknown chickens have been identified as horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a NYC cab driver in August.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that Sister Mary Anthony was completely wrong, and my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your enlightenment, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can act as a rust remover, solvent, and most importantly -toward my pallete- eliminates toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat while I’m paying inside.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone disguised as a cosmetologist will drug me with a perfume sample and rummage through my coat while I am distracted.
I no longer need to buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their top-secret recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because the image of a big black snake lurking under the seat ready to cause me instant death it too specific a picture for my mind to erase.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a complete weirdo with another motivation for wanting me to bend over.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the growing legions of American Violin Spiders and my hand will fall off.
Oh, by the way…..thanks for ruining what little self-esteem I still maintained by sharing a German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity will read this with their hand on the mouse. (Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late…. just join the club).
A considerable number of neighbors now think I’m loony because I keep my toothbrush in the living room, next to the TV, in my effort to avoid the water vapor that you told me splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
And to the numerous spirited souls who sent me this picture while discussing the inherent similarities between modern man and laws of nature, I had no idea so many people I know contemplated Darwinism at such a level.